Life’s worries.
So I decided to quit my job nine weeks ago. This is the last weekend before I have to actually tell my employer I’m quitting. I’m scared shitless. I feel like an idiot leaving a well paying job in my field when the economy and unemployment is like it is. Whether I quit or not I’d have to get another job because there isn’t any work for four months. I think thats my biggest fear, getting another job but I’m going to have to anyway. Hopefully once I find another job it’ll make it easier to quit. I know I’m going to miss it. It’s so scary because this is the first time I’ve ever done something without having something else lined up. I have ideas and I’ve applied to atleast thirty places but I don’t have another job yet. I’ve pretty much decided on going to bartending school and it sounds fun but what if I don’t like it? What if I don’t like staying up til all hours every night? What if I get tired of the party scene (which I kind of am already). I guess I don’t have to be a bartender at a club, I can work at a restaurant but I just need to be able to make good money. I’ve been thinking a lot about moving but I feel like i’ll be more unhappy if I do. I won’t be as financially strapped but I’ll have to make friends all over again. I don’t want to go through that awkwardness again of meeting new people. I’m happy (sort of) in south florida, and I’m comfortable. I’m hoping that a new job will introduce me to new people and i’ll have sort of a new start. I’ll be home and I’ll be able to have a normal life and be able to go out. For the last four years I have been home for no more than 4 straight months a year. I am so ready for this to be over but I’m scared to leave the money. I know my happiness is more important but I don’t know if I can make comperable money. I know what I want to do, I’m just afraid to actually do it.
In guy news. I have given up on Nick. We hung out on St. Pat’s day and things were amazing, the best they’ve ever been. I ended up staying the night but nothing happened, just lots of making out. Nothing past second base. He’s a really nice guy but the fact that we only speak once a week makes me think he doesn’t want a relationship and I’d rather get out before I get attached to yet another guy who doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. I have a new mentality: if a guy wants to date me, he’ll make it happen and if he doesn’t i’m not going to stress about it. Calling him and forcing him to be nice to me or talk to me if he doesn’t necessarily want to doesn’t do anything but satisfy me for the second. Later on, when I realize he doesn’t want a relationship I kick myself for pursing things. I’d really love for things to progress with us but I think i’ve realized he’s got too much going on in his life to add me to the equasion. If he does, he’ll make it happen.
Work In Progress
I debated whether I should post this or not because I feel it’s personal but at the same time I feel like sharing personal things is sometimes therapeutic. It’s a work in progress, I’m sure i’ll have much more to add to it so for now it’s an extremely rough draft. My letter to someone…
Love Letter to Someone
I don’t know who you are and I don’t know when I’ll meet you but I’m excited for that day. I’m excited to fall in love, deeply in love, for the last time of my life. I’m ready to love you wholeheartedly and to give to you everything in my being and to provide for you how I know you will provide for me. I’ve been waiting for you, wondering when and where I’ll meet you whether it’s on the street, in the grocery store or through a friend. I know that God has been saving someone special for me, someone exceptional…you. I can’t wait to love you.
Bring me Gerbera Daisies just because you know I like them and do something nice; a sweet message or note, just so I know you care. Dedicate “Always on my Mind” to me after a fight so that I know how much I really do mean to you. Hug me and hold me at random times, show me the affection that I’ve longed for. Hold me until I fall asleep and find me in the middle of the night when you wake up and realize we aren’t embracing each other.
Listen to me and really care about what I have to say when I’m upset or need someone to talk to. Be there for me, unconditionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Know that I’ve been hurt and promise me that you won’t hurt me like I’ve been hurt before. Keep your promise. Know that it doesn’t matter to me how much you make or what kind of car you drive as long as we’re happy and safe. A loving relationship will overcome all obstacles.
I can’t wait to do special things for you and to go out of my way to make sure your happy and that you know how you make my life whole.
Take me on drives and weekends to the beach just to get away so we can be alone.
Make me laugh always, especially when I’m upset for a silly reason. Admit when you’re wrong and accept me when I’m wrong.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
make him rich and make him tall!
Not really, I don’t like tall guys and money doesn’t really matter. It’s just a magnet my friend got me.
I wrote an entry while sitting in the airport this morning then the internet went out and I lost it so I’m going to try to remember what I wrote.
Nick always seems to follow through with what he says, until today. I find it kind of odd that I put on my FB status that I had food poisoning and then not even two hours later her sends me a “How are you!?!?” text. Anyway, we texted for a bit and we discussed our schedules for the week. He asked me to text him when I got home today, which I did, and I haven’t heard back. That was 2 1/2 hours ago. Why do guys do that? He gave the impression he wanted to hang out then doesn’t reply when I do what he asked. Ugh!
On another note, I have a date with a cutie named Chad on Thursday and another guy named Jason wants to hang out too. Thursday is my only day off so I think I might try to attempt a lunch date and a dinner date, both on Thursday. I’ve never done that before but I think it might be interesting to do. My friend Michelle’s birthday is also Thursday so I might have to have an early dinner with Chad or bring him with me to Michelle’s b-day get together. Is that creepy/weird to invite a guy to go with you and your friends somewhere on a first date? Do you think he’d be overwhelmed? He’s new to the area so it might be nice to meet some new people but I don’t want to freak him out either.
Chad is cute but I like Nick. The feelings are fading with his obvious fade of interest. I really don’t get guys. Seriously. Why say things you don’t mean or why spend a lot of money on someone you don’t plan on pursuing anything with? I guess I shouldn’t measure his interest level on the amount of money he spends on me. Money really doesn’t matter to me, I guess I was just kind of shocked at the amount of money he spent because no body’s ever wined and dined me like that before.
I WISH I DIDN’T CARE! Why can’t girls be like guys and have a more nonchalant attitude?!
I guess we’ll just see how things go. I’ll give Chad a shot (even though I slightly get the d-bag vibe, but then again, I haven’t met him in person so we’ll see) and Jason too (seems nice but I’m not sure I’m totally attracted to him.)
Oh yeah, I can’t forget the best part of this whole entry. I got the funniest message I’ve ever gotten since this whole online dating thing has started. I will share:
“
Finally coming home!
I think this was the longest weekend ever! I left Thursday for San Fran and ended up getting in 7 hours late, missing half a days work and stressing the whole time. Like I previously mentioned, I had to work with one of the biggest pain in the butts of the company who was sick this weekend, therefore, completely obnoxious. Friday night I came down with food poisoning (I had a turkey sandwhich with alvacado and mayo on it so it could have been either, or maybe it was the turkey!) I was up probably 10 times over the course of three hours uncontrollably releasing wastes from my body in more ways than one. Saturday was miserable (I had to work all day) I was in and out of the bathroom every 20 minutes or so. Sunday I was feeling better but we had 550 girls come on Sunday, which was more than we had seen for the past three days. Every one of those girls had to be interviewed and their information put into a computer. Need less to say, (again) I’m happy to be coming home again.
Cancellation
So Nick and I had made tenative plans to hang out last night. He said he wanted to see me before I left but I worked til midnight and he was beat from work so we didn’t hang out. It sucks. I wanted to see him, it’s been like a week. Maybe I make myself too available but if I liked a guy but I was tired I’d suck it up and go out for a little while anyway. I was going to go out last night and I had to be at the airport at 5am! Maybe thats why I can’t get any guys to stick around, I’m too available. I’m really not though. I’m never available. I think that I’m thinking too much into this and guys are way more realistic than girls. If they’re tired they aren’t going to do anything, it doesn’t necessicarily mean he doesn’t like me, he’s just tired, right? He said that he wants to hang out “as soon as you get back” so I think I’m just crazy and I’m thinking way too much into this. Gosh, I need to stop. It’s hard not to get excited when you like someone though.
I need a guy friend that I can ask for advice on reading guys like in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. I need a guy that will tell it to me straight and tell me what a guy really means when he does what he does. Not what I think it means because we all know that most of the time girls ready way too much into things and make something out of nothing.
I’ve had some interesting messages from some interesting people. This indian guy messaged me and told me a little bit about himself and he said “you will like my green eyes and dark skin.” I wanted to write back and say “oh, really?!”
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but I met Nick on a dating website. I thought I’d never do it but after Kevin and I broke up I figured it couldn’t get any worse. I’ve actually met a few guys I’d consider going out with. Nick is the only one I’ve met in person but there are two or three other guys that I’m talking to that have asked to get together in person. There are other guys that have asked to get together but those are the ones I delete. Like the guy who wrote me and said “Hey lil ma, how bout you let me take you out, i’ll treat you real nice.” Umm, No. In real life i’d never talk to Nick first, he’s way too cute but online theres no face to face rejection so it’s not a big deal if the person doesn’t write you back. Sara told me that I should go on every date that I’m asked on and write about it. I think it might be a cool thing to do but I don’t know if I could emotionally do it.
I hate dating! It’s so confusing. I wish that I could just be straight forward and say “I want a boyfriend, I like you, if you think you could possibly be my boyfriend then lets see where this goes but if you aren’t looking for a girlfriend then we shouldn’t waste eachothers time.” Like I wish it was that easy and then we could date knowing that we both were looking for a relationship and that eachother were interested. There wouldn’t have to be any of these games where you don’t call because he should call and he should chase you but what if I do make the first move, do I seem too agressive or available? I understand wanting a chase but I just hate all this crap. Ugh.
I think I might start posting some of the messages I get. I think it might be fun to share my online dating adventures. I’ll start out with Nick’s profile. I’ll just post the little blurb he wrote about himself. I think it makes him seem
a.) looking/ready for a relationship
b.) like a nice guy
Maybe I’m totally wrong.
“This all started with a Facebook account then making a my space page and now plentyoffish. I guess I’ll begin by saying this is the last site I thought I’d make a profile on. I’m new to the Lauderdale area and hoping to find a cool/sweet girl that likes to have a good time with a nice guy. I enjoy traveling, the beach, working out, spending time with friends, and meeting new people! I enjoy going out and at times being irresponsile. Cutting all B.S.- just a good guy looking for an attractive girl that has more than just looks.”
Oh the dating world and it’s rollercoaster of confusion.
I haven’t even gotten there yet…
and i’m ready to go home.
I’m stuck in Atlanta. For five hours. I’m getting into San Fran late and missing work, well part of it. I’m flying Delta which I love because I have silver status which means I get free first class and other perks. This morning I went to the ticket counter and got in the first class line.
Delta Employee: “Can I help you?”
Me: “Nope”
DE: “Are you flying first class?”
M: “Yep”
DE:”Are you traveling with anyone else?”
M:”Nope”
The way in which he asked me those questions made it seem like I shouldn’t be in first class. It pissed me off. Yes, I am young and yes I am a badass and fly first class. Get over yourself and stop stereotyping first class as old people and businessmen. It really made me mad. Maybe because it was early in the morning or maybe it was because of his tone of voice. Man, he really pissed me off. I don’t dress up when I fly because I think thats silly. Why be uncomfortable? I wear jeans and a t-shirt. Theres no dress code for first class. So I got on my flight and it was late when I got off my plane I had to go to the Delta customer service counter to get rebooked and I got in the first class line. “Are you flying first class?!” said the bitchy lady at the counter, I wanted to say “yes damnit!” but I just replied with a snooty “yeah!”
I’m working with the devil this weekend. You know those people you see on TV that are just ridiculous and think the whole world should kiss their feet? People that will cause a scene because they didn’t get special treatment or because they only got two pickles on their hamburger, not three? Yeah, thats this lady. There are three of us working together this weekend and we all get in around noon (well I was supposed to) and we have to work at 5:45. We rent a ballroom in a hotel and do our thing. We usually stay at the hotel but we aren’t tonight because after work tonight we have to drive to San Jose. Ms. Outrageous made the company we work for get a room for her so that myself and the other girl “wouldn’t bother her”. It’s not like we’re 12 year olds. She doesn’t help with ANYTHING, she gives a speech then leaves. Theres a part in her “show” where she plays a DVD about our company. She is so ridiculous that she makes someone else come into the room to push play when shes standing directly next to the machine. I hate working with her and so does everyone else in the company. Talk about drama queen so the fullest. I need to tell myself that this weekend isn’t going to be bad! I’m missing part of work so thats good and tomorrow I don’t have to work til like 3:30 in the afternoon. Thats good, I guess. I’d rather work than sit around all day.
Last weekend was our first pageant, it went fairly smoothly other than me forgetting my dress in my car. I had to go to the mall and buy a dress for the weekend. I found one that I liked and bought it. While I was sitting at the judges table during the show I felt something weird so I reached back and felt my skin. The dress that I had bought the day before broke. The zipper split in two and with every move I made my dress came more and more unzipped. I snuck backstage and managed to fix it but I was sweating for a little while. I have to go on stage and present the awards and crown the girls and I did not want to have to do that wearing a hoodie! After I fixed it one of the girls got excited and hugged me after making top 10 and her dress got caught on mine and snagged it right on the stomach. This dress was not meant to be worn by me.
This weekend won’t be bad, this weekend won’t be bad….
Work.
Tomorrow I leave for California. This is the first time i’ve worked four day for this company. I know that sounds silly compared to real jobs but normally I work two days, maybe three. Never four. The difference is that when I get off work I can’t go home. One day I don’t have to work til 5:45 in the evening so I’ve got the whole day to do nothing. I’ve got five more weeks left of this and I can’t wait. I’m already sick of it. I’m working on a different team this weekend (i.e. with people I don’t usually work with and aren’t fun) so it’s going to be poopy. This past weekend was our first pageant, the official weekend back and it wasn’t too bad but it just reminded me how much I don’t enjoy my job. I’m ready for normalcy. I’m ready to be home on the weekends and to be able to attend birthday parties, family reunions, weddings, etc. I’ve been missing out on so much for so long. I know it’s a good trade to be able to travel all over the country but the excitement is over. I’ve been pretty much everywhere so now I work and sit in my hotel the rest of the time because it’s usually the only down time I have.
I invited Nick to hang out last night and he didn’t, he was tired from work. We talked about hanging out tonight but I had to work til midnight and he was tired from the week so we didn’t hang out. Last night he told me he wanted to see me before I left and that he “kinda missed seeing my face”. I guess thats a good sign. I think work has really been part of the reason I hven’t had a relationship in so long. If I didn’t have to work I could probably see Nick this weekend or on his day off but because of work the earliest and probably only time in the next two weeks that I could possibly see him is Monday. Thats what I’m saying. Work puts so much on my whole life. I hate being gone so much! People ask to hang out and I say “sure, I’ve got an hour available two weeks from thursday.” I’m ready for a normal life. Five more weeks, five more weeks.
I need opinions on whether this idea is creepy or not. Nick has never been to California before and I was thinking about sending him a postcard with something along the lines of “I know you’ve never been to California so I thought I’d send you a little piece of it” written on it. Do you think he’ll be freaked out and think I’m psycho or is that cute? His address is on his FB so I don’t have to ask for his address or anything.
Red rover, red rover…
Send cute, financially stable, emotionally mature men right over!
So Valentines Day was this weekend….boo. This is the first v-day in six years that I have been single. It’s depressing. I hate these kind of holidays because it points out to the single people that they are alone. Yes, I know that it’s about showing the people you care about that you do care and of course I sent my family members cards but it sucks when you don’t have that special person. It also kind of sucks since I got dumped like three weeks ago. Sara did make me an amazing present though. She asked for pictures of some of the guys that have done me wrong and she collaged them with little broken hearts and made me a cutting board. How awesome is that? I love it. When I’m upset I’m going to cook so that I can use my cutting board of heartbreak.
I’m working in Tampa this weekend and one of the little girls gave me a pen with a tissue paper flower taped to the end which was cute. Glenn, the bagger who got hit by a car and isn’t completely there mentally did call me and tell me Happy Valentine’s Day and that he loved me so I guess that’s good. Maybe. I just read what I wrote and I’m complaining about not having anyone but I just named off like three people who thought of me. It’s different though. Having friends and having a boyfriend on v-day makes the day mean something different.
I don’t know why it means so much to me. I don’t know why I care so much about having a boyfriend. I’m independent but at the same time I feel like something’s lacking without a significant other. I hate when people say “Kelly, you’ve got so much going for you, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” I want to reply “Thanks for rubbing it in asshole.” I also hate that line because every guy that breaks up with me says just about the same thing. “You’re an amazing girl and you’ve got so much going for you. I’m stupid for not being with you and I know I’m going to realize later that I really missed out.” It’s like in the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” these two ladies are talking about when guys break up with you and they make it seem like it was your idea. They play “jedi mind tricks” on you and say things like “The guy who marries you is going to be really lucky” well it could have been you asshole!
I guess I just want a companion. I want someone to look forward to and someone to call to tell a funny story to or to vent to. I know I have friends but everyone knows that it’s different. I want that one person that is the only one that can make me feel better just by being there. I want someone to hang out with or just do nothing with. I was noticing the other night that when there’s someone else in my bed (a guy) that I have no problems sleeping. I think it’s because all of the things that I think about and that keep my mind running don’t matter when I’ve got someone to hold me. I feel like I am a good person and that I do have a lot going for me but I just can’t catch that break. It’s not fair.
When Kevin (not the Kevin I dated for 4 years, the most recent Kevin) and I broke up I was so upset. I think maybe even more upset than when Ricky and I stopped seeing each other even though I cared a lot more about Ricky. I was more upset because I’m alone, yet again and have been hurt, yet again. I’m so scared to be hurt but at the same time I want someone so bad that I leap at the chance of having someone. I wasn’t sure I was ready to start dating again when I went out with Nick (guy from the previous date story). I’m really happy that I did go out with him though because I didn’t want to so I hadn’t already set my expectations high for it. Nick did help me realize that there are other fish in the sea and that there were SO many things that I couldn’t stand about Kevin and the majority of them were because of age. Dating sucks but a good date or a bad date will teach you about what you want. I’m just getting a lot of practice and taking lots of notes about what I want in a guy. I’m just so ready to be done getting hurt. I don’t know if I can go through another let down again. Over the past two years I’ve cared about five guys and all of them have hurt me and left me. Two months seems to be about my limit for relationships. I’m picky but at the same time I’m willing to give anybody a chance. Well, maybe not anybody but when someone says they want to set me up I always say sure because I figure it can’t get much worse.
Friends and family tell me not to worry about it and to stop trying so hard but it’s not that easy. Work is really the only thing I’ve got. My only friends down here are people from work and they all have their own boyfriends, girlfriends and families. Sometimes I want to move back home but I know that if I do I’ll be close to my family but will have to start all over again with friends and work so I stay where I at least have something. I wish that it didn’t matter to me but it does and I can’t help it. I’m hoping that once I’m done traveling and I get a new job that I will meet some new people and things will take a turn for the better. I think that’s part of it too. I need to meet some new people and hang out with people other than the ones I work with. I need a breath of fresh air. Some new meat.
WTF are these silly categories?
I don’t get them. I don’t particuarly like them either. I guess it’s nice because it keeps your organized, maybe I just need to get used to WordPress in general.
Anyway, today was an alright day minus the fact that I forgot that an electrician was coming to my apartment at 9am to install a new outlet. I woke up slightly confused then thought to myself “damnit, I forgot.” They were here til after 1pm. Not fun.
I’m really not looking forward to the fact that Valentines Day is this weekend. Every time someone came into Publix today and bought balloons or flowers it made me want to punch them. Damn happy people. This is the first Valentines Day in six years that I haven’t had someone to spend it with. Alright, maybe thats the real reason behind me wanting to punch happy people. Well, technically I do have people to spend it with but not like a boyfriend or someone special. I’m going to see a friend that I haven’t seen in about a year so it should be nice either way. This weekend is m y first official weekend back to traveling. I have six more weeks and then it’s over. I’m not going very far, just to Tampa so it shouldn’t be a bad weekend. Next weekend I was supposed to go to LA but they switched me around and now I’m going to San Fran and Sacramento. Hey Denise, I won’t be too far from you!
I need to go to bed, I have to be up in 4 hours.
